Hey all! So, blog writing is completely new to me and I’m not even sure I will be doing it right. However, I thought it might be good to start telling my story in my own way so you can get to know me. Although I am creative, those skills don’t always come across in my writing, so I apologise for any grammar mistakes in advance.
As I’m sure you have gathered my name is Sammie. I am bubbly and very chatty once I get to know you. To begin with I will come across shy and a little awkward (I promise that doesn’t last long at all). I love all things Disney - I have so many random facts in my brain it is worrying. Chocolate is my main food group… It is a food group, right? and of course I love my camera and all things photography.
I have a husband/ man child (HA!), Jonny, and we married in 2018. It’s a cliché, but it was the most magical day of my life. Our wedding was sprinkled with just the right amount of Disney magic. After our wedding, we had the most amazing honeymoon to New York, followed by 2 weeks in Disney World. Ever planning a trip there? I have so many tips feel free to pick my brains. Been there yourself? Let’s talk about your time there, I love living through other’s experiences!
Fast forward 9 months… We were blessed to welcome our little girl Clara into the world in March 2019. I still introduce myself as a new mum, although I don’t think that is strictly true. She is 2 now, but I am still totally winging it and don’t expect this feeling to ever go away, so I will forever be a new mum.
Then comes my journey of taking my photography hobby and turning it into my business.
After I had Clara I suffered severely with post-natal depression (PND) and post-natal anxiety (PNA). I admit I suffered longer than I should have without help, I was in denial. Normally such a happy bubbly person, I kept telling myself this feeling would go away. It didn’t. It got dark.
After a lot of love and support from my husband and my mum, I finally accepted that I needed help. I started seeing the kindest therapist. Let’s call her ‘Clare’. While I was with her, we discovered there was a lot more to what I was experiencing than PND and PNA I was also struggling with PTSD from other points in my life. Clare was incredible through the whole process. One of the sessions we got talking about hobbies and such. This made me decide, with encouragement from Jonny, to get out with my camera again. Boy did I miss it more than I realised! I felt like I was releasing a breath I didn’t realise I had been holding.
While I was out learning the ropes again (it had been a while since I had used my camera), I started feeling myself heal, I started to feel like me again and not just a mum. I loved being creative and being behind my camera again, it woke a hunger that had been dormant for a long time. I truly believe my camera helped, it saved me from one of the darkest moments of my life... wow, so that’s heavy and more sharing than I normally do.
That explains my more recent relationship with photography, and yes I say relationship deliberately because to me photography is so much more than a hobby, a job or my ambition. It truly is a passion I feel to my core!
Going back in time again to explain my love of photography and why it feels so powerful to me.
When I was a kid at parties, I would always be running a round with a disposable camera in my hand poking it in people faces. My mum used to joke and would say, ‘here comes David Bailey with her camera again’.
It’s about to get heavy again…
Even with my camera constantly pointing at people, including my Dad, he would always put his hand in front of the camera, he hated having his photo taken and would avoid it at all cost, because of this we have minimal photos of/with him.
This is one of the few photos we have as a family, he may not be looking at the camera but I remember the photographer making us laugh a lot, fuelled by my dad's sarcasm and joking demeanour, it captured us perfectly. Just look how happy my mum is!
Also please don't judge my outfit, it was the 90's!
My Dad lost his fight with cancer in 2002, and the older I get the heavier my heart is that I don’t have more pictures of him to go with my memories. When he passed, I started to capture as much as I could, I became very paranoid and worried that I wouldn’t be able to see my loved ones when they leave this world. It’s a feeling that I have never been able to let go and I’m sure won’t ever go.
So, for years I had a wish for a ‘decent camera’ for Christmas/ Birthdays it was a wish my mum always knew but being a single parent family, it just wasn’t possible, I accepted that fact. My Mum was always so incredibly open, honest and incredibly strong with me and my brother growing up she was a real hero and still is. As I get older, the more I truly understand how amazing she is! After the typical teenage years, I stopped asking for things as often. For me family is so important, things are just that things, material. Yes, we all want them but when it comes to it not necessary I am just so lucky to have my family, my team.
I continued snapping away with whatever I could get my hands on. Then one-year mum asked us what we wanted for Christmas, this was the year Sony Ericson brought out the black phone with the sliding camera on the back, you know just after the Walkman phone. I just had to have it! Branded the best camera phone in the market at the time, and it was more reasonable to ask for than a DSLR camera, it was £110, yes I remember the price, after promising I wouldn’t ask for anything for my birthday that year, come Christmas day (after my mum convinced me she hadn’t got it) I unwrapped it and I was elated! I got it set up and started snapping away right away….
Then disaster, New Year’s Eve I was washing up, phone playing music… it fell in the washing up bowl! I was devastated I am normally so careful with my possessions I was furious with myself. Luckily it still worked, well kind of. The camera did, but up and left buttons didn’t. Also 1 and 8 didn’t work, now 1 I could handle but 8 made texting very hard. But I put up with it for about 2 years because I didn’t want to give up the camera. I feel like I went off in a bit of a tandem then, but hopefully you understand why that story was important, 2 years a teenager struggled with texting for the sake of a camera, lucky for MSN! Haha!
Fast forward to my 16th birthday, and my mum got me a simple Sony digital compact camera, a pink one again I was really happy and it came everywhere with me for years, although it still wasn’t what I truly wanted, I loved it. It came on holidays random outings taking photos with friends. You remember those awful selfies that you took a million times trying to make sure your head was in the frame with your friends (I was a pro at this).
Until my best friend’s 21st birthday, I set up my camera with a self-timer, in my drunken state I passed my camera to a friend she set it up on top of some bags on the side in the ladies toilets… then crash! It came tumbling to the ground! Though it wasn’t completely broken, it wasn’t really workable. This will forever be one of my funniest memories and we still joke about it now, she has not lived it down.
By then smartphones really started advancing and I became an iPhone user, and although I still spoke about photography I started to put it to bed, while all other exciting things were happening in my life. Until one year for Christmas when I was 23 (2014), Jonny, with input from my mum and brother, surprised me with my first ever entry Level Nikon DSLR camera. I was over the moon! I got very emotional and yes, I even cried a little.. who am I kidding, a lot!
That Christmas it was hard to pull my attention away from my camera and my manual. Safe to say, I have a lot of phots from that Christmas. Jonny didn’t appreciate how much the camera was stuck in his face, using the excuse that he brought it for me seemed to work though.
From there, I really started researching and learning the technical side of photography, having my camera brought back all of that hunger, that dream of doing it professionally. Unfortunately, I often doubt myself and lacked the confidence.
From then my mother and father-in-law finally tied the knot after years of being together in 2015, my MIL asked to me to take the photos for their day. I really wasn’t convinced, it’s not something I have done before and I didn’t feel confident at all, but I agreed.
Then came mine and Jonny’s wedding in June 2018, finding our wedding photographer was a real journey and the person I originally wanted was booked on our day. I was gutted! But I started looking around, asking for recommendations.
When we finally came across our photographer, Lucy, I just felt it was right. She was incredible, she made us feel so at ease and her work is beautiful! Of course, with all of the looking and finally finding Lucy, seeing all the different wedding portfolios of different photographers, made me start wishing and dreaming what it would be like to witness those intimate moments in people’s lives. It made me really start to think. Then, again, that horrible voice came into my head, you would never be that good... etc.
Whilst pregnant, me and Jonny spoke about my career, going part time in my then current Monday-Friday job and what I can start really doing for me. Of course, photography came up and he knew how much I love it, as it has been a subject of conversation loads over the years. I really did start coming around to the idea and believing it could be possible, Jonny really is my biggest supporter, the more we spoke the more excited I became.
Then came Clara, the biggest love of my life. Then, the darkest moments, as I explained before.
During my time in therapy, while I was falling in love with my camera again, I also had the privilege of photographing my sister- in-law’s wedding. They announced they were getting married in secret, just immediate family at Winchester registry office. I asked who their photographer was, but they didn’t plan on having a one, so I offered.
After our own wedding and how precious our photos are to me, I didn’t want them to miss out on that. Then came the day and honestly, I had so much fun and yes I had something in my eye, and a lump in my throat watching such a magical moment! It made me wish this was my life regularly.
This helped to cement my decision! I will be a photographer! It will take time and a lot of work, but I am excited to learn! I feel like for the first time I know what I am doing (ish) with my life!
Once I had finished therapy and getting the help I needed, the belief that this is what I am supposed to do with my life just hit me like a ton of bricks (told you my therapist was amazing, she really changed my whole believe system). I could not ignore this feeling, this drive anymore!
Around Christmas 2019, I had been talking to Jonny about what I need to do to really make this work, of course first on that list is education, camera and a computer to allow me to edit at a professional level. Making plans, working out finance and so on. After this long conversation, the next day he texts me over a link it’s for an evening college course, asking if this is what I am looking for to begin with, and the next thing I know he is going ahead and signing me up!
His belief in me was the last nudge I needed.
From there I have been back to college, striped back my knowledge and went to basics, it has been a fantastic experience. Then I was able to get my dream camera, that one I had been dreaming about since I was a kid, it was mine finally! I cannot explain or even put into words how that moment felt.
At the same time, I had told friends and family about my new exciting adventure, some replies were along the lines of ‘about time’, ‘finally’ and others were so excited and happy for me. Offers of help and being used to help build my portfolio came pouring in.
I started taking professional portraits in February, and honestly, I am never looking back. I love it! I love meeting new people, learning their stories. Seeing families interact with each other, seeing pure love and emotion through my lens, as I watch and capture moments. It sounds cheesy, but as I am typing this I am emotional - getting to see behind the curtain of these precious moments for people is truly a blessing that I don’t intend to take for granted!
So, I finish off by saying;
Thank you to my amazing husband Jonny, who has never stopped believing in me. My amazing mum, who has taught me how important it is to be resilient and is always there when I need her. My amazing friends, for always believing in me and encouraging me. The amazing therapist that brought me out of that dark hole that, maybe, until now people didn’t know how bad it was. And thank you to my clients, I am so incredible honoured that you have chosen to let me in and see these magical moments in your life.
Finally, thank you for taking the time to read this.
THANK YOU!
All my love,
Sammie
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